Mastering Toddler Tantrums
Watch the full podcast episode here:
Are you tired of toddler tantrums turning your home upside down, leaving you exhausted and unsure of your next move? In this episode of the Modern Indian Parent Podcast, host Sanchita Daswani, a pediatric nutritionist, teams up with Dr. Ishinna B. Sadana, a renowned parenting coach, to reframe those meltdowns as opportunities for connection and growth. Drawing from her own struggles with her twins, Sanchita opens up about the disconnect she felt during those early years, only to find clarity through understanding toddler behavior. This first part of their conversation dives deep into why tantrums happen and lays the foundation for managing them effectively with practical, culturally relevant strategies.
Intro and Journey of Ishinna
The discussion hints at a transformative approach, with Dr. Ishinna suggesting that knowledge can turn chaos into understanding.
“Tantrums are a signal, not a problem to solve,” she shares early on, planting the seed that these outbursts are part of a child’s development rather than a personal failing. This sets an encouraging tone, promising parents tools to build stronger bonds with their little ones.
What Are Tantrums?
Dr. Ishinna dives into the heart of the matter by defining tantrums as behaviors rooted in deep emotions. She explains that these outbursts occur because a toddler’s brain, particularly the prefrontal cortex, is still maturing and unable to regulate intense feelings like helplessness, frustration, or anger.
“Tantrums are behaviors which have a lot of emotions underneath,” she clarifies, inviting parents to look beyond the surface.
This developmental stage, common from ages one to five, means children feel emotions powerfully but lack the verbal or cognitive skills to express them. Sanchita adds a cultural twist, noting how mealtimes in Indian households—often filled with family members urging a child to eat—can amplify these emotions, turning a simple refusal into a full-blown tantrum. Dr. Ishinna expands on this by comparing adult and toddler behavior: adults can mask upset feelings with a smile for guests, thanks to that “filter” in the brain, but toddlers express every emotion raw and unfiltered, whether at home or in a crowded mall.
Emotional Drivers: Feelings like frustration or powerlessness often trigger tantrums, especially when a child can’t communicate needs.
Brain Development Gap: The prefrontal cortex, responsible for self-regulation, develops gradually, leaving toddlers reliant on parents to help process emotions.
A Call for Support: Dr. Ishinna emphasizes viewing tantrums as a cry for assistance, urging parents to shift from punishment to empathy.
This understanding is crucial for Indian parents, where societal pressure might push for quick fixes like scolding. Instead, recognizing tantrums as a natural phase encourages a supportive response.
Game Changing Tip When Child Is Having a Tantrum
One of the episode’s standout moments is Dr. Ishinna’s game-changing tip for handling tantrums in the heat of the moment. She advises parents to physically and emotionally meet their child where they are, offering validation over immediate correction.
“Sit with them, match their energy, and say, ‘I see you’re upset. I’m here,’” she recommends with a soothing tone.
This approach isn’t about stopping the tantrum instantly but about creating a safe space for the child to feel seen. Sanchita connects this to her own experience, recalling how mealtime refusals with her twins escalated until she started validating their feelings, which calmed them down. Dr. Ishinna explains that matching energy—perhaps mirroring their cries with a gentle hum or sitting on the floor with them—helps the child feel understood, turning the outburst into a teaching moment. Over time, this builds trust and emotional security, especially in busy Indian homes where distractions are common.
Practical Steps: Get down to their eye level, use a calm voice, and avoid rushing to solve the problem.
Mealtime Application: If a child refuses food, sit with them and say, “I see you don’t want this now,” rather than forcing a bite.
Long-Term Benefit: Consistent validation fosters a stronger parent-child bond, reducing tantrum frequency as the child learns to express needs.
This tip is a cornerstone for transforming tantrums into opportunities for growth.
How to Handle Screaming Tantrums?
Screaming tantrums can test even the most patient parent, but Dr. Ishinna offers a de-escalation technique that’s both simple and powerful.
“When they scream, don’t shout back. Whisper, ‘I know you’re mad. Let’s breathe together,’” she advises.
The key is to lower the emotional temperature by contrasting the child’s volume with a whisper, encouraging them to follow your lead. Sanchita shares how this worked during family gatherings, where a screaming toddler can draw unwanted attention. Dr. Ishinna suggests pairing the whisper with slow, exaggerated breaths—inhale for four seconds, exhale for four—to guide the child into a calmer state. This method not only stops the scream but also teaches self-regulation, a skill toddlers are just beginning to grasp.
Execution: Stay physically close but not overpowering; use a soft, steady whisper to shift focus.
Cultural Context: In public Indian settings like markets, this prevents escalation while respecting social norms.
Consistency: Practice daily, even outside tantrums, to build a habit of calm breathing.
This strategy empowers parents to handle loud outbursts with confidence.
Why Are So Many Parents Scared of Their Child’s Emotions?
Dr. Ishinna uncovers a deeper reason behind parental fear: it often mirrors their own emotional struggles.
“We’re scared because we weren’t taught to handle emotions ourselves,” she reflects thoughtfully.
In Indian culture, where stoicism is often prized and emotions like crying might be dismissed, parents may feel unequipped to deal with a toddler’s outbursts. Sanchita adds that well-meaning grandparents, offering advice like “Just give them what they want,” can heighten this fear, creating a cycle of stress. Dr. Ishinna notes that this fear stems from a lack of emotional education, where parents were raised to suppress rather than process feelings. Recognizing this personal history allows parents to approach tantrums with curiosity rather than dread.
Cultural Influence: Traditional Indian parenting might prioritize obedience, making emotional expression seem disruptive.
Breaking the Cycle: Acknowledging fear helps parents seek tools, like those in this podcast, to support their child.
Empathy Boost: Understanding your own emotions fosters patience with your toddler’s.
This insight is a critical first step toward managing tantrums effectively.
Why Handling Tantrums Starts with Our Reaction
Dr. Ishinna emphasizes that a parent’s response is the foundation for tantrum management.
“Your reaction is the thermostat. If you stay cool, they learn to regulate,” she says.
A frustrated yell can escalate a tantrum into a power struggle, while a calm pause models self-control. Sanchita shares how, in her busy household, taking a deep breath before responding prevented her twins’ tantrums from spiraling. Dr. Ishinna explains that children are like sponges, absorbing how parents handle stress. By staying composed—perhaps stepping away for a moment if needed—parents teach regulation by example, a vital lesson for emotional intelligence.
Practical Application: Count to ten or step outside briefly to reset before engaging.
Indian Household Tip: In joint families, a calm reaction can also model behavior for elders watching.
Long-Term Impact: Consistent cool-headedness helps toddlers mirror this skill over time.
How to Handle Kids with Violent Tantrums?
Violent tantrums—kicking, hitting, or throwing objects—can be alarming for any parent. Dr. Ishinna approaches this with a balance of safety and compassion, recommending a firm yet loving intervention.
“If they’re hitting, say, ‘I won’t let you hurt me, but I’m here to keep you safe,’” she advises.
The strategy involves gently holding the child or moving them to a safe space, like a padded corner, to prevent harm to themselves or others. Sanchita points out the challenge in Indian homes with limited space, suggesting a soft mat or blanket area as a practical alternative. Dr. Ishinna stresses consistency—repeating the boundary each time—while reassuring the child with a hug or soothing words afterward. This teaches respect for others’ boundaries while reinforcing that love remains constant, even during tough moments.
Safety First: If the tantrum escalates, guide the child to a soft, enclosed area away from hard objects.
Physical Support: A gentle hold on their arms or torso can stop hitting, paired with a calm voice.
Post-Tantrum Care: Offer a cuddle and say, “I love you, let’s try again,” to rebuild trust.
Cultural Note: In joint families, this can model non-violent discipline for grandparents to observe.
How to Handle Kids Who Whine a Lot?
Whining can wear down even the most patient parent, but Dr. Ishinna sees it as a child’s attempt to communicate. She suggests acknowledging the whine before redirecting to words.
“Say, ‘I hear you’re upset. Can you tell me with words?’ Then offer a choice,” she explains.
For example, if a child whines about not wanting veggies, a parent might say, “I hear you don’t like this. Would you try a bite or pick a fruit instead?” This encourages language development while reducing the whining habit. Sanchita ties this to mealtimes, suggesting Indian parents offer a preferred item (like rice) alongside a new food (like spinach), turning whining into a negotiation. Over time, this builds communication skills and patience.
Acknowledgment: Validate the feeling first to show the child they’re heard.
Choice Offering: Provide two acceptable options to empower them (e.g., “Carrot or peas?”).
Mealtime Hack: Use familiar Indian dishes as leverage to introduce variety gradually.
Consistency: Repeat this daily to shift whining to verbal requests.
How to Handle Bedtime Refusals?
Bedtime refusals are a common battleground for parents. Dr. Ishinna advocates for a predictable routine to ease transitions.
“Start with a bath, then a story, and dim lights. Say, ‘Night-night,’” she suggests.
This sequence signals the end of the day, helping the child wind down. Sanchita shares how, after tough days, this routine became her saving grace with her twins, reducing resistance. Dr. Ishinna adds that avoiding overstimulation—like loud play or screens 30 minutes before bed—sets the stage for sleep. In Indian homes, where evenings might involve family chatter, parents can create a quiet corner with a lamp and storybook to reinforce the routine.
Routine Elements: Begin with a warm bath, followed by a 5–10 minute story, and end with dimming lights.
Signal Use: The “Night-night” phrase becomes a cue the child learns to associate with sleep.
Avoid Triggers: Limit TV or phone time; opt for lullabies or soft toys instead.
Adaptation: If grandparents are around, involve them in reading to maintain the flow.
How to Help Navigate Strong-Willed Children?
Strong-willed children often challenge authority, but Dr. Ishinna sees this as a strength to harness with choices.
“Give them two choices you’re okay with, like ‘Red shirt or blue?’” she recommends.
This gives the child a sense of control while keeping the parent in charge. Sanchita notes this works well for mealtime decisions in Indian families, where a child might refuse dal but accept it if given a choice between dal or curd rice. Dr. Ishinna explains that offering options prevents power struggles, teaching decision-making skills. Consistency is key—always provide choices within safe limits.
Choice Structure: Limit to two options (e.g., “Apple slices or banana?”) to avoid overwhelm.
Mealtime Example: “Would you like rice with veggies or a small dosa?” keeps nutrition on track.
Positive Reinforcement: Praise their choice to encourage cooperation.
Long-Term Growth: Builds autonomy, a trait of emotionally intelligent kids.
Child Doesn’t Want to Go to Class, How to Handle This
School resistance can signal anxiety or fatigue. Dr. Ishinna advises validating the child’s feelings before encouraging action.
“Say, ‘I know it’s hard, but I’m here,’ then gently encourage,” she advises.
For instance, if a child cries about school, a parent might sit with them, acknowledge the fear, and say, “I know it’s tough to leave home, but I’ll be here when you’re back—let’s get your bag ready together.” Sanchita suggests building excitement by talking about a favorite teacher or friend the night before. Preparation, like packing a snack, can reduce morning stress.
Validation Step: Spend 2–3 minutes acknowledging their emotions without rushing.
Encouragement: Use a cheerful tone and involve them in small tasks like choosing a water bottle.
Preparation: Discuss the day’s highlights (e.g., playtime) to shift focus.
Follow-Up: Check in after school to reinforce support.
What to Do When Elders Don’t Agree with Your Parenting Style
Disagreements with elders, especially in joint Indian families, can complicate tantrum management. Dr. Ishinna advocates for teamwork over blame.
“Be in their team: ‘He has cavities from sweets—let’s set rules together,’” she suggests.
Sanchita shares her strategy of redirecting her kids to worksheets when grandparents offer screens, turning a potential conflict into a win. Dr. Ishinna explains that focusing on controllable aspects—like scheduling activities during screen time—reduces frustration. She also advises smart navigation, such as joining in when a sweet is inevitable (“Come, I’ll open it, but after dinner”), to maintain influence.
Team Approach: Frame discussions around the child’s well-being, not criticism (e.g., “Let’s limit sweets for his health”).
Redirection: Plan engaging alternatives like crafts during risky times.
Choose Battles: Allow small indulgences to preserve your authority for bigger issues.
Influence Building: Strengthen your bond with elders to gain cooperation over time.
This episode concludes with a powerful reminder: “Tantrums are part of their development… These are opportunities to make children more emotionally intelligent,” Dr. Ishinna says. Embrace them with these strategies to nurture a resilient, connected family.
watch full episode here: